The “Exceptional Value, Strong and Absorbent Paper Towel” experiment has been . . . interesting.
The excitement begins when first you tear off one “sheet,” which can measure anywhere from 1/8 of a sheet on up to a sheet and a quarter. Never once has the tear been along the supposed perforation. Defying the laws of physics, it sometimes tears perpendicular to the perf line. However, there is, reliably, a ragged edge. You wonder: Why, oh why, did I buy the three pack? You remember: Because it was the only shred of paper on the shelves in the five grocery stores in your area last week.
The strategy behind the “absorbent” claim seems to be one of disintegration. And yes, this appears counter-intuitive to the “strong” claim, but hear me out. As you take your sheet and begin rubbing it over your hands, as per the usual protocol, the tiny pieces begin to attach to the excessively chapped webbing between your fingers. They also catch on the cracked, raised prints on your fingertips. (The shred speed matches the quick-melt action of those beads of fake ice cream from the amusement park after touching your tongue.) I suppose my hands ARE drier after I gather up the smithereens of paper, but that may just be the amount of time it takes to pick it all off. Because, yes, those soggy, beaded up, paper-like blobs are STRONG in their attachment to your skin.
Which leads to my "Ode To Bounty"
Day thirty of COVID And all through my house, The smell of ammonia Is tricky to douse. I lather my hands, The ninetieth time, In hopes that the virus Runs off with the grime. I reach for a towel To dry off the wet. But “Exceptional Value” Is all that I get. Oh Bounty! Oh Brawny! Oh Charmin! Oh Scott! I want you to know That I miss you. A LOT.
